July 12, 2017
Dear Mrs. —————-,
This letter was a long time in coming. I have spent the last few years in deep therapy, both one on one and in group therapy. And all the therapists, doctors and psychiatrists say the same thing–”In order to move on.. you must forgive the hurts of the past.” This letter is not meant to hurt you in any way. This letter just is what it is.
I didn’t want to write it and for a long time I had no intention of ever doing so. I am stubborn that way. However, this is not about my stubborness. This is about forgiveness. And NO it is not me asking for it. It is me giving it.
See, after all this time I can and I do forgive you. I have to not for your sake, but for my own. It is an act of compassion and self-love to myself that I extend this forgiveness to you. I forgive you for hurting me. For you were the one person I always thought loved me in spite of all my insecurities, my low self-esteem, my failures. It was wrong of me to think that way–of course you had other people you thought more highly of and loved more. I was naive and selfish and I wanted to fit in so bad with those other people , even when I knew I stood out like a flashing neon sign.
But I don’t want to fit in. I am not meant to and you know what ? After all this time I no longer want the burden of fitting in with those people. I may not have been the best person or a good enough person for the family. What you and the others saw as selfish and self-centered was really just absolute fear of judgement and paralyzing anxiety and panic. Inner self loathing and a need to be wanted and accepted. But I spent so much time in my head …so afraid of being judged and yet I was always judged no matter how hard I tried and so I stopped trying. What was the point? I could never make them like me or accept me.
I made an enormous mistake seven years ago. A mistake in which I almost lost my life in one night. I never told anyone the whole story outside of my husband and my therapists. The mistakes and the choices made were mine but I didn’t deserve the beating or the rape and sodomy that came after the beating was done or the terror in the years to follow.
I will not tell you everything it is not yours to know …but know this –my husband loves me and God blessed me with the most amazing daughter in the world. I know I am going to be okay someday when the nightmares end..But I am learning how to forgive myself. And in forgiving myself I am forgiving others as well. In time maybe I will forgive everyone and live with an open heart.. no longer afraid, no longer broken.
I admit I made a lot of mistakes. Life is full of mistakes. It is how we grow and learn. I understand that now. But no one deserves to be treated the way I was. It was purposely and pointedly hurtful. Not just the exclusion from the wedding or meeting your new family but the emails that were sent to my husband that were vitriolic and full of hatred. And I blamed you for a very long time. I hated you even. But I can’t hold on to that anymore. Hate is useless. I need to forgive and I need to move on. I am glad you are happy now and you have all the things you ever wanted. I am ever grateful for those sweet years when I was a young girl and that is what I will hold onto– I will remember the good and all the bad will just be laid to rest. Forgiven but perhaps never truly forgotten.
I don’t want anything from you–I don’t want to a relationship or a friendship …I don’t want to know you …I don’t want anything except to heal myself and yes, in this instance I guess I am being selfish. But it is selfish because I need to be..because my daughter and my husband need me to be selfish so that I do not fall down a rabbit hole of darkness again because if I do I may never return and my beautiful child needs me and I need her. My husband needs me and I need him. That is ultimately why I am doing this …for myself and my little family.
Forgiveness is a release and a freedom that I have longed for. I have longed for it for such a long time and now I am able to say it and mean it so I am extending it. I am putting it out to you and the Universe that I forgive the hurt and the past. I am no longer pained by it. What is done is done and it no longer upsets my peace or my mind. Where you and I stand I know now that my soul is at peace.
I just wanted you to know. It doesn’t matter if you care or not. I needed to do this for my own soul.
Have a wonderful life and I hope that you have found all the happiness you want. And maybe one day your heart will learn forgiveness as well.